I've modified this page a hundred times, always trying to find a balance between sharing information about myself worth knowing, and sharing too much detail that nobody cares about. That in itself should tell you a lot about me. I tend to obsess about things.
The problem is, there is a lot to tell - yet nothing to tell. Finding the middle ground is my challenge.
After a career in information technology that began in 1979, I felt the need to change directions and decided I wanted to do something more to help other people. Eventually, I ended up working as an EMT in the field, driving ambulances and working with Paramedics and Fire. I got a real kick from the work and had every intention of continuing, until I got sick in 2006.
I became very ill and have nearly died several times since then. I still haven't fully recovered, and I am a real stubborn kind of guy. I've tried self employment, applied for p/t, f/t and even internship jobs, and continued my education. Unfortunately, I end up back in the hospital about once a year, and even when I am "okay" I feel like crap. My medical problems are chronic and I'm just about to turn 50. Even if I were able to work again, I seriously doubt anyone is going to hire me, especially in this new economy.
The other thing that I openly share is that I have mental health issues. I'll never know how much is due to a pre-existing condition now referred to as "Attention Deficit - Hyperactivity Disorder" aka AD/HD - which is the stupidest name ever created to describe a psychiatric medical condition - but that is a different topic.
Perhaps understandably, I have had, and continue to have, some serious depression and anxiety issues. I used to be very athletic, healthy, and fit. I fought in mixed martial arts tournaments until my 40s. I used to backpack, hike, mountain bike - I even rode a Harley-Davidson since 2002 until I just recently sold it. I liked my old high-adrenaline, fast-paced lifestyle. How did I end up being this tired, old, sick guy with no money and an aversion to sitting still?
What to do? I have no children, no career, and not much to look forward to. So I am kind of stuck now, relying on disability insurance while I try to figure out what to do next. This illness could kill me tomorrow, or just make me miserable for the rest of my natural life. My therapist thinks the best thing for me to do is to focus on things I enjoy doing, and forget about the pressure to "earn a living." So - that's what I'm doing. I'm studying and practicing various forms of artistic expression, including this blog.
I find it strangely comforting to think that some small part of myself, even if it is just a digital footprint, will continue to exist long after I am gone.
OddTodd
